Coming to Haiti, I did not know what to expect. I was not fully aware of my exact roles, I did not really know anyone on my team. It was not until I got here that I realized how little I actually knew about Breathe Partners. I did not even know where the Breathe Center was in Haiti. Maybe I should have asked more questions and, yes, I could have done a little more research (okay a lot more research), but I am honestly glad I went into this new experience blindly.
Now, if you have known me for a long time you would know that I would not normally do something like this. I would not have raised a huge amount of money, and drove to Philadelphia to meet up with a bunch of strangers, to fly to a place I have never been, unsure of what I would even be doing, for an entire year! That just was not me. I was a planner. I was someone who needed all the details, and then some, in order to make my final decision.
What in the world happened to me? Why was this decision (which happened to be a big one!) different from all the rest? Why wasn’t I anxious? Why did I not ask questions? Why didn’t I seek more answers? Why did I not worry about the details?
Some may say, my actions were irresponsible, and normally I would agree. However, there was something about this experience that made me not want to know all the details. I never felt desperate to know my living conditions. In fact, I honestly expected the worst, and if they were better than that, great! (Just to let you know they are way better than I thought!!) I never felt overly anxious that I did not know exactly what I would be doing. I never questioned that I would get along with my team, even though I did not know them. I never felt curious or worried about the little details like what happens if I get sick, or what if I do not like the food etc.
All I knew was that God opened every possible door I needed. He was laying it on people’s hearts to support me and somehow by the His grace and provision, He got me here. I did not need to know details or what I was going to be doing because I knew that this was the path the Lord set before me. I did not need to question that.
“Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all of your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight your paths”
These verses are the reason I did what I did. If I would have leaned on my own understanding, I would not be here right now. God, in His unmatched faithfulness, got a hold of my heart and gave me an unexplainable peace about Haiti, even with what little I knew about it.
I remember reading an entry in my journal not to long ago. It was a prayer I wrote to God. The half-cursive script read, “I will go, send me”. Right there was when I was reminded that I do not want or need control. I just have to be willing to go.
I am not sure what my calling is, and sometimes I feel like I am still trying to figure out what my passion is. But what I do know is that, with my one life, I do not want to be idle. So what did I do? I got on an airplane and flew across the ocean because God decided to send me.
The details that I used to be so obsessed with knowing are no longer important because I no longer need to be in control. I trusted God with the details and now my path is straight before me and I cannot help but walk forward.