Friendships, experiences, tears, joy, fear, baptisms, growth, and finally, time. This figure symbolizes much to me.
Could you guess it?
This is the number of people that I have lived with since starting this life with Breathe.
Other than my faithful friend Stephanie, who has more years here in Haiti than I do, this number signifies that I was the one to stay.
When creating a list of the constants in my life in this last move from Florida back to Haiti, the only two things I could think of was ‘Steph & Jesus’. My two consistencies.
Also being a number that reminds me of solitude. A number of loneliness.
How many times must I let people into my life, to eventually then say goodbye?
How many more relationships am I able to give my all to before my heart has met maximum capacity? Is there even such a thing?
This last move from Florida to Haiti was the toughest so far (Florida being where I spent 10 months at the Great Commission Bible Institute). Returning to Haiti meant going from my 21 housemates in Florida to having 6 new housemates. And although this group has been a beautiful answer to our prayers, could my heart do it again?
My heart felt weak. Pitiful maybe.
On my own strength my typically open-book-like-heart would slam shut, pleased on staying inside of the dividers I felt to build up all around me. I could live with these people, but keeping my heart at a comfortable distance.
How unsatisfied my Father must have felt at my idea of this ‘cure’ to my problem.
And then He spoke to me, reminding me that I was absolutely hopeless without Him. This must be a season that I crack open my heart, even just a smidge, to allow Him to move in me. No hope in destroying these barriers on my own. I couldn’t do it! And so I’ve begun to open my heart, as a call for help. And gradually, I’ve felt the coldness of my heart against my housemates warm. And I’ve begun to love them like how I’ve attempted to give my all in loving the last 53 housemates before them.
Sometimes, all that is required in times of trouble is to remember our need to call on our Savior for help.
“For I, The Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you “Fear not, I am the one who helps you”.